Too much.

It's too much right now.  All the things.  Everything seems overwhelming.  It's like being Borderline all over again.  I know it's a moment in time.  I'd have to go weeks and weeks more before this meant anything serious, but sometimes these moments last forever.  I hate them.

I think, in the way that these things seem to come to me, that this is because I'm on hormonal birth control again.  PMS week is now a thing of fear and dread.  I can tell it's coming.  Nothing keeps me happy for long.  The bad things are SO.  BAD.  It's intolerable.  So much hurt, so much pain, so much fear.

I'm waiting these last few days.  Waiting for the hurt to happen.  I hate this.  I want to crawl out of my skin and just curl up until it passes.  I feel crazy.  Not fun, good crazy, but out of control.  I need someone to cry on, but there's no one right now.  I vacillate between fine, happy, angry, sad, terrified, and all over again.  I need to be held down, and restrained.  I need to have someone physically take control, so that I can let go of the mental anguish.  I want to hand this all over to someone, and beg them to make it go away.

Oddly, at the same time, I hate that thought.  I need to be in control.  It's my body, my brain, my responsibility.  I need to be so strong, so in control, because that's what men are supposed to want.  But I'm also supposed to be vulnerable and weak, because they want that too.  I can't do both, not and feel safe.  How do I balance it all in my head?  How do I make it work?

Getting in to a serious, and what looks like very long term, relationship again wakes up all of my fears.  I feel the need to hide them from him.  It's not his fault I'm so damaged.  He shouldn't have to take that on.  But I don't know how to handle it on my own.  One little phrase today, and I fall apart.  It wasn't meant to hurt, I know, but it kicked up a whole other mess of past damage that I thought I was over.  Clearly not.  Stupid, stupid brain.  I think I can't let him know it's in there until the crazy passes.  It's too hard to tell whats the moment, and what's really an issue.  I know, I should talk about this all with him, but I'll just end up worrying I'll scare him off.  I want to heal...it's just hard to know where to start.

Anneal me.