I've been sitting on this post for a while. I just have been busy and lazy, and really, had no good excuse. I was trying to explain to someone the other day (trying seems to be the keyword for 99% of the shit that happens when I try to explain the inner workings of my brain) how I manage to keep from being overwhelmed by things that upset me.
Every painful event I experience gets felt intensely at the moment it happens, and then it's allowed a chance to run its course quickly. If I still hurt as strongly the first day as the third or so, I pull out an empty mental box, stuff all of the emotion related to it in that box, label it, and tuck it away. I just don't think about it or process it, or I never let myself heal. I can sit and beat myself up about every fraction of every possibility of everything that might have been done differently. If I just... If I only... Maybe if... If I was stronger... If I was better... It's amazing how much I can blame myself for.
When I have a strong moment, or forget to watch how much I drink, I can take one off the shelf, open it up, and let the emotions come streaming back out, and feel it all over again like it was the moment it happened. My goal isn't to deal with it, so much as it is to process it until the pain is manageable. I've found that after 15-20 rounds of taking things out of their boxes, they become deal-able. I can start to logic through them instead of just feeling the intense agony of it.
I could probably go to my therapist, and tear through a lot of it a few sessions, but I've become proud of my ability to deal on my own. I'm pretty sure this is some version of compartmentalizing, but really, I like the boxes idea a little better. A good visual explanation for a girl who's not really visually oriented in her mind. Go figure.
And suddenly, this rambling, and pointless post got to the point in my head. I need to write out Jack's story. I've mostly forgiven myself, but I want to write it down, so I can have it saved somewhere, and take the last of it out of my head.
Well, that was silly.
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